I used to try to write everyday. I wanted a record of everything I think and do. The problem with doing this publicly is that it creates content for people to judge you and I just prefer writing on paper instead of a screen. I've been spending lots of time alone, thinking about what I'm doing with my life. Whether I'm going in the right direction or am I just being complacent... I can't be that way. I have to always know that anything can change at any time, that's what's always kept me alive. That and the need to always do better. I'm in a very "weird" place in my life right now but it's a good place to be in...
I also started studying again towards my CS degree, I'm at home all the time so why waste my scholarship? This is what I will be doing a lot of, I have at least two assignments and a test every week but sometimes three assignments and two tests. So far it's been good, I hope it stays that way. I don't really care for formal education but this will help me have a much better life some day, and maybe then I'll change my mind about academic stuff.
I could have left all my posts up, but I feel like the people close enough to me know enough to not have to read my blog to find out how I am, and I just don't wanna pay for a VPS every month which I won't use. In my early 20s I fell into the trap of people who preach "personal growth". Now that I approach my 30s I realise that personal growth can't be measured, and success does not have a single definition. Instead, I should be focusing more on preventing failure. Not "failing fast and quickly", that's bullshit. My life is not a startup where I constantly run experiments to see what is the best way to live. I'm just trying to keep things simple, like this page. Also, this page will only take 5 minutes to design and I don't wanna waste my time writing lots of code.
I've also started training again and trying to eat healthier. I've lost a lot of weight and I feel
really good. You can't really see that I'm happy though because I almost always look serious now that my beard
is grown again. I prefer it this way. Well, I think I've said enough already...
- Derek