It's 11:24 PM. I've just had my third shower for the day and I'm in bed. I've slept for most of the weekend yet I still feel drained. All I've been doing is watching videos and going on WhatsApp to read and ignore messages, or send one word responses and update my status. I've also been reading through old conversations, trying to see where everything went wrong. Everyone is messaging me except the one person I want to message me. I didn't get a chance to tell her about my past or about parts of me she doesn't yet know about.
I have this really sharp pain in my back, it appeared suddenly when I was making supper. I need to clean my kitchen, its a mess... I've been in bed all weekend, sleeping mostly. Emotionally, I feel nothing. I'm past the stage of been sad and hurt. When I was eating my supper I just sat and stared at myself in the mirror. Who am I? Why am I here? Why do some people hate me?
I should have done my assignment but I don't have the energy. Formal education isn't for me... Today my dad told me that he won't have a job from the beginning of next month. That sucks. I will probably have to try and help them out sometimes. I thought my financial situation was getting better, should have known that it was too good to be true... Everything just goes wrong at the worst times...
I don't know why I'm alive, I don't wanna be but I'll also never kill myself even if I wanted to die. I don't know if I'd be able to kill anyone unless it was in self defence. I don't feel violent, not even a little bit. I feel nothing, except for sleepiness and the pain in my back. I wish I could disappear. Yesterday I wanted to go to a strip club, today I find that mildly amusing. I was watching this video on YouTube today and the lady said that when you ejaculate you release dopamine and your brain takes about two weeks to generate dopamine again. Very interesting stuff...
One of my friends posted a WhatsApp status that said something along the lines of, "I won't judge you by the color of your skin but you can be sure I'll judge you by your star sign". I find that to be an interesting statement, and I need to think about it more. I've lost count of how many days I've been at home, I'ts been long. I think that in a few weeks I would have been home for a quater of the year. Yesterday's winter solstice felt normal, maybe because I was up all night as usual. I don't know if I ever wanna love someone else or even be honest to anyone else I may be attracted to in future. The world if full of fake people, maybe I should be one? Why do I need goals and plans? To please other people? Why should I be kind? How many people have been kind to me? Why should I love? Who ever loved me? I'm just a nobody, and maybe that's okay. Maybe that's all I need to be so that nobody notices when I suddenly vanish someday.
I found a local online store that sells a bunch of products that are on Dr. Sebi's nutritional guide, I'm glad about that. I'm gonna make an order this week. I can't wait to try out Burdock tea.
If you've read this far I have no words of encouragement or thoughs. Just respect people, don't ghost them. It's not nice. In doing so you will be respecting yourself. If situations need to end it's alway nice to be civil, especially since you never know when you may run into someone again and they may be influencial in a decision which may benefit you. Doesn't always happen but it's always good to think of this, God knows I've been on both sides of the fence. Be nice, don't just talk about it.