It's 12:15 AM. I'm laying in my warm bed. The whole apartment is dark and I've been listening to 50 Cent's I'm The Man on repeat for the past few hours. Seeing his live when he came to South Africa to do one show only is one of my best memories. He's so authentic, that's why I love him.

I've been feeling really low today. It sucks that sometimes you can love someone but there will always be a problem with everything you say or do and you're not given the chance to make things right. I wish friends and family wouldn't advice people without knowing everything, it just creates problems. I've been good at this over the past few years, I'm very careful who I take advice from. I've seen so many people make jokes about taking weight loss advice from a fat person yet they do the same in other areas of their life. Sometimes I wish I wasn't trying to be a good person. When I was in my early 20s I would get in my car or jump on my bike at any time of the night/morning and go to a strip club or get up to some kind of shit I shouldn't have been doing. It was all wrong but watching a naked woman dancing in a ring of fire or laying in the arms of an older woman when you're drunk and high felt much better than laying in bed alone. Maybe the way I feel and everything I experience is just my karma for being stupid. I'm glad I moved to Joburg, because I only stopped doing all that stuff when I moved here. Almost everyone I knew told me that Joburg would be bad for me and that I would make the wrong friends and life would be "fast". It's the exact opposite, moving here saved me from myself...

I wonder how I will prevent my future kids from doing the same. I feel like every rebellious act or disbelief in God stems from a lack of love, but I may be wrong. I grew up in very a family of very racist and narcissistic men, and none of them will ever admit it. It's so difficult to unlearn these things. Every few years when you think you're a better man someone will do or say something that triggers you and makes you respond without thinking and then you forget about all the progress and feel like you're back at square one. It's also hard to forgive people when they won't forgive you, but you gotta do it.

Giving my car to my parents at the beginning of the year was a blessing in disguise because right now I wish I had a car just so I can drive around tonight and see what's happening. The neighborhood I live in is really secure though and I'd probably get stopped by cops or security, but many of them know me. I like knowing that I'm secure, especially at night. It's nice to know that there are armed people all around waiting to protect us or prevent crime at any given time. Thank God for these people who risk their lives daily.

I hope I start feeling better soon and stop thinking of what I used to do and wishing I could do it again. I'm just tired of it. I've worked so hard to become a better person but all I've gotten from family was being called lazy because I don't do manual labor, being mocked for the way I speak now or dating outside of my race group, etc. except for my immediate family and the few who are really genuine. I just wanna go far away and start a new life where nobody knows me. Maybe I'll meet someone who will love me for who I am. Or maybe this time I won't be as open as I always have been about my past. Maybe I'll tell them nothing. Or maybe I won't meet anyone I care about and I'll just move somewhere new when I'm tired of that place. The narcissist in me is re-surfacing and I don't like it. But maybe I'll let it stay because when it's around I never fail. But I'll also be someone I don't wanna be anymore. Who do I wanna be? I don't know anymore, I just I'll discover this in the next few months...

If you're reading this, don't be like me. Be a good person, it's much better. I'm just dealing with stuff. It's always abouy money or a woman...