It's 5:30 AM, I've been awake for the past half hour. I think my body has had enough sleep. I woke up in a weird mood...

Since I woke up I've been thinking about my past. Not the past I write and tell you about but the deep, dark secrets that only few know about. Stuff that I'm ashamed to talk about and even feel sick when I think about those times of my life...

Everyone has role models growing up. For some it's their parents or siblings, for others it's older cousins or uncles, etc. I had good role models but I also had bad ones who seemed good at the time. When I grew up I wasn't cool (I still don't think I am), and when you're not cool or don't get the attention you want you do what you have to to get it. This is a problem, I wish I would have realised it then. I wish I knew what I knew when I was younger. I've always been someone who takes risks and goes out to get what I want, and I get it. Now I'm a little less agressive in pursuing anything I want in my life because I need to make sure it's right for me. More importantly, I need to make sure that the consequences of my actions is something I can handle in a few years and doesn't affect anyone I love.

I've been lucky that I've gotten out of these situations, sometimes on my own and sometimes helped by the very people who got me into them. Most of all I've been blessed and if God wasn't watching over me I don't know what my life would be like now. I'm always open and honest to anyone who wants to know anything even if it means me losing them, because I've realised that sometimes people like me don't get second chances. And who am I to come into their life and risk them losing everything they've worked so hard for. I know when I should stop persuing anything I want. The signs are always there but I'm always too hopeful and optimistic. Some people think I'm perfect, or I'm a "saint" but I'm far from it. Like so far from it...

I don't know why I felt like this and what made me write this. Oneday I'll write about everything in detail and let you all see my past through my eyes. Will you be able to handle it? Will you still love me and be my friend? Will you pretend I never existed and simply walk past me in the street like you don't know me? I feel so weird. I wish I could just cleanse myself of all my wrongs, but I can't. The pastors say that Jesus' blood will wash away all your sins, I don't know about that... I've tried...

I feel like I'm a better person right now but better may never be good enough, and that's okay. I'm just glad I live a different life now and do the best that I can. If you're reading this and have had a hard life, don't bother about people who judge you. They won't stop judging you. Just because their life has been more organised and better doesn't make your journey less important. Nobody would be able to walk a mile in your shoes, an you probably wouldn't be able to in theirs. I feel so fucking weird, what is up with me today?