Like, what the fuck am I doing laying in bed awake at 01:53 Am? I should be sleeping. I was so happy, I was so so happy. Now I'm confused...

I'm not perfect, I'm human. I have feelings. I don't like it when I'm not trusted or when my intellegence is insulted. All I ever tried to do was be 100% open and honest, but it's not enough. I have nothing more to give. Oh well, I tried. I fall in love way too quickly. I trust way too easily. I share way to much. Maybe I need to learn how to become bitter? Or how to cheat on women and abuse them? That's what they want, right? They say they don't but I'm not convinced anymore... I wish I could learn how to be that kind of man, at least I do right now, but I could never see myself doing these things to a woman. Maybe all I need is to be with myself for a while? Maybe I'll someday meet someone who understands that love should be unconditional, and who can talk to me about anything on their mind. Maybe I'll never meet someone like this. I may end up being an old programmer living in a big house with all my computers and half-finished expiriments? Maybe I'll never have a loving wife and a happy family? Maybe I'm too emotional and intense for anybody to deal with? Maybe I always think I'm right when I'm wrong?

Derek is not patient, Derek is not kind. He is envious, he boasts, he is proud. He dishonors others, he is self-seeking, he is easily angered, he keeps a record of wrongs. Derek delights in evil and does not rejoice with the truth. He never protects, never trusts, never hopes, never perseveres.Derek always fails. But where there are prophecies, they can cease; where there are tongues, they will not be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will always pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part never disappears.When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I kept the ways of childhood. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; never shall we see face to face. Now I know in part; never shall I know fully, as I am never fully known.And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these have I none.

Who am I?

I wish I could travel. I need to spend some time on the beach, alone. Or with family and friends. I need to let myself escape from technology. From people. From anything that doesn't resonate with my soul. I can't rely on anyone else or anything else to make me happy, I know this. But I can spend the time to work on myself. I do deep work on tech products and stuff that other people use, surely I can do deep, focused work on my own life? Zero distractions. Zero temptations. Just solid work and improvement. Fuck it, do I even need a cellphone anymore? Do I want people to reach me at any given time? Do I need to be distracted? Is there any emergency so big that it will need my immediate attentions? I wonder... I can't sleep. Don't read this again...